Am I afraid of the dark?

As I have been going through this year, I have decided to read a daily devotional. I chose the classic "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers and have not been disappointed (although i have been challenged). A devotion from 2 days ago has me wondering, am I afraid of the dark? I suppose I should stop and state for the record that I am a planner. I'm not quite to the point of scheduling breathing into my daily activity list or having a "clipboard of fun," but I do enjoy knowing what will come of each day and where I am headed. I try to pray, desire to search out the Scriptures, seek wise counsel and reason through each decision. Most of the time I do it in that order. Most of the time.

So here's the problem I ran into as I went through my devotion. Chambers began discussing Abraham and when he did, he began to speak to me personally. (yes, I know that he never met me and that hundreds of thousands of people have read this book with great applications being made to their lives as well). Chambers states that:

"Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. Genesis 16 is an illustration of listening to good advice when it is dark instead of waiting for God to send the light. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time. Never try and help God fulfill His word. Abraham went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all self-sufficiency was destroyed; there was no possibility left of relying on commonsense ways. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Never pump up joy and confidence, but stay upon God (cf. Isaiah 50:10, 11).

Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and women of God, in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings? “I am the Almighty God”—El-Shaddai, the Father-Mother God. The one thing for which we are all being disciplined is to know that God is real. As soon as God becomes real, other people become shadows. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever perturb the one who is built on God."

We are waiting right now for the place that God would have us to go to serve. For 15 years I have sought to force God's hand in the understanding of the application of His calling on my life for ministry. With each new possibility I have been tempted to weigh the words of man (especially my own) against the word of the Lord. It has played out in different ways. I have fervently sought Him alongside my wife for times. I have served faithfully alongside my wife at times in various ministries. I have ran with rebellious intent at times. He has opened and closed doors. He has brought clarity and darkness. He has faithfully remained present and never taken away the calling He seared into my soul so long ago. I still love to plan, but I'm seeing how it must shift within me. Now I must plan to be patient. May my plan be to "Wait for the Lord" always. 

Prayers from Hauerwas

Years ago, I was wandering through the clearance books and I stumbled upon Stanley Hauerwas's Prayers Plainly Spoken at Lifeway on SEBTS' campus.** I picked it up and opened to the a prayer that struck me. As a believer we are often taught that prayer is an essential spiritual discipline. We are taught that good prayers often include such aspects as thanksgiving, supplication, intercession and so on, however, I was struck that day by the way that Hauerwas spoke poetically, but casually with God. God seemed less like own to fear as a angry demigod and more like a Father to be conversed with.


I was brought back to that prayer yesterday. My shortcomings were before me. My sin was before me. I stood and listened as accusations were laid before me. Knowing that I was remade, renewed and restored by God, I still felt made wholly unworthy by the accusations of those who claimed to "know" me so well. My wife has since reminded me that God knows me better than all others and it is He that will tune my heart to sing His praise. I do desire to sing His praise, even if my desire to carry a proper tune is often marred by selfish desires. When these things happen, as they tend to do, I desire to seek harbor in the things that I think might bring refuge, but everywhere I turn, God is confronting me with the truth that I cannot go back, I must go forward. I cannot seek safety in the past or find strength in hiding behind anything. To be with the Lord, I must obediently follow where He leads. I must be unafraid and get out of the boat, not fearing water that no longer can threaten or those that are drowning in it. I can't lead others to dry ground if I'm afraid to touch it myself.


Here is the prayer:


Reborn and Unafraid
"Lord of the Flood, wash us with your Spirit that we may be your ark of life, your peace in the sea of violence. Water is life; water cleans, water kills. Frightened, we are temped to make a permanent
home on the ark. But you force us to seek dry ground. We can do so only because you have 
taught us to cling to our baptisms, where we are drowned and reborn by the water and fire of your Spirit.
So reborn, make us unafraid. Amen."



**Dr. Hauerwas is a brilliant man, but we theologically break on some major issues, however, his teachings and writings out of Duke Divinity School are highly acclaimed.