Devotionals

Recently I started a daily devotional, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, and with it began journaling my prayers. I had been told for years that this would be a great way to chronicle what God was doing in my heart and life and to see how miraculously He had moved through set periods of time. I've been journaling for nearly a month now and I am not finding that God is answering prayers quite the way I had expected. Instead, he has been showing me just sinful and selfish I am and that my desires may not always line up with His (just a small percentage of the time, I'm sure). :) I am weak, frail, and in desperate need of His saving power every single day of my life.

Lindsey and I have hit a rough spot. Not in our marriage, I dare say that we have never been stronger (Praise the Lord!). No, no, I am speaking of the circumstances in our life. It is our desire to be used by God to seek and save the lost in whatever ministry context that puts us. It is our desire to be equipped to do so, yet serve Him while we seek that training. Nearly a year ago, we began the process to become IMB missionaries and were turned down based on health reasons and a cancellation of the program we had applied for. Today, we are involved in the Master of Divinity with a specialization in International Church Planting degree program, and I will finish my last bit of stateside coursework this spring. While I want to shout for joy and I am so hopeful about what God will do through us and our fellow workers, my joy seems abated or restricted, as we still do not have medical clearance. I have sought out employment for the past 9 months to no avail, trying to find something to support our family while I was in school and if not for the overwhelming, intervening hand of God, we would not have made it to here. I dare say that God's providential hand has sustained us when it has made no sense at all for us to have financially made it another day.

When you ask, "what makes finding a job so difficult?", it becomes even more complex. I go to school full-time, co-teach a Sunday School class, teach an evangelism course, am preparing to (if given medical clearance) move my family overseas in 9-10 months time, have an adorable daughter whom I love, a wife who makes me feel refreshed and yet like I never desire to be apart from her, and have 3 degrees in ministry which seem to make me uniquely over or under-qualified for most jobs. The jobs that I find that are of a good salary, do not have flexible schedules to accommodate school (which under providing for my family, is a HUGE priority for me). The jobs that are flexible, keep telling me that I am over-qualified or that they believe that I am not worth training because I do not desire a long-term career with them. I don't apply to ministry positions, because I feel it unfair to them when I know that I will be abandoning them in such a short time for missions. If I was not doing missions, I would apply for ministry positions AND probably not take on such a heavy school load so that I could more easily find work. Honestly, I can't seem to get any job that I have applied for (even fast food and grocery stores) to call me back. There are several ministry positions popping up all over in our town that seem exciting and intriguing, but I have to ask the question, "Do I want to take that position because I am being led by the Holy Spirit or am I wanting that position based on my need for a job to support my family?" It would seem that to apply for any of those positions would be to abandon the idea of long-term international missions for now, change degree programs, and head in a different way. Some are recommending that...even before we hear whether medical clearance will be granted. Lindsey (my blessing of a wife) and I keep seeking God for guidance and wisdom. So in the silence and darkness...even in confusion, we are wanting to make good choices in the moment, but then I read my devotional a few days ago. Oswald Chambers states:

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. Genesis 16 is an illustration of listening to good advice when it is dark instead of waiting for God to send the light. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time. Never try and help God fulfill His word. Abraham went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all self-sufficiency was destroyed; there was no possibility left of relying on commonsense ways. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Never pump up joy and confidence, but stay upon God (cf. Isaiah 50:10, 11)

Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and women of God, in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings? “I am the Almighty God”—El-Shaddai, the Father-Mother God. The one thing for which we are all being disciplined is to know that God is real. As soon as God becomes real, other people become shadows. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever perturb the one who is built on God.

Having read that, we are continuing to pray for guidance, persevering in joy and hope, and waiting to see the amazing things God will do after we step out of darkness and into His perfect light. Also, I am sticking with this devotional/journaling thing. I don't know exactly what God will teach us, but I am ready to listen now. Finally.

P.S. A great resource for FREE devotionals is here.

The Tell-Tale Heart

Today, I meet with a friend for coffee after hearing our church's amazing mission's service yesterday. We had the privilege of hearing from several different speakers who are supported (in one way or another) by Bay Leaf Baptist Church. The interesting thing was that when each of these missionaries was asked what the focus of their ministries was, all answered "to tell others about the Gospel of Jesus Christ." I hear that often, attending a Seminary, that "our focus is missions," but when I ask how often people around me share their faith I rarely get answers that seem genuinely concerned with the state of the lost. In fact, I often wonder if my heart is set and tuned to the commands of Christ to seek and save the lost. Our pastor spoke of having a heart transplant upon becoming a Christian and of how once we are his, we should be transformed into someone who desires to be Godly. I can't help but wonder if someone were to examine my heart, would they find my heart, or God's heart? I fear I know the answer, and something's gotta give.

Where to begin?

When the thought of making this blog originally began to form and shape in my mind, I wondered what the point would be. perhaps this will be just my wondering thoughts. Perhaps it will be a way to work through my theological and philosophical ramblings. I can hope that it will never turn into an angry, Dennis Miller style rant. No matter what, I desire this blog to speak to God's glory and to my ever present need for Him to work mightily in my wicked heart every day. So we'll begin there.